Thursday, April 9, 2009

Remembering

I pulled in my driveway this morning and noticed the promise of Spring's fullness right before me. The foliage of daylilies fills the bed in front of our house, with the vivid blooms waiting to make their appearance. Hosta is uncurling in a neat row. And our weeping cherry tree has already bestowed is sweet white flowers and traded them for neat green leaves.

The sight of this tree reminds me of the passing of time. Sometimes it comes to me like a punch in the gut, stirring up memories of what was lost; other times, it is a soft kiss that reminds me of God's sovereignty and provision.

You see, two years ago this March we lost our third child 12 weeks into the pregnancy. Now, each Spring, I am transported to that experience, that loss, and the amazing ways God prepared us and provided for us during those sorrowful days.

One specific way was through the kindness of our friends. Just after the miscarriage, my dear girlfriends from church gifted us with this weeping cherry tree. Tim, the boys, and I planted it together. We now watch it grow and bloom. Each Spring I enjoy its beauty, and I remember.

Another way God provided for us was through a concert, as strange as that may sound. For Christmas 2006, I had given Tim tickets to see Matt Redman and Chris Tomlin in concert. At the time, I didn't even know I was pregnant.

The concert arrived in the Spring just one week after our miscarriage. We went, heartbroken and weary, and found that evening a time and a place to grieve our baby's death. As Matt Redman sang "Blessed Be Your Name," we felt the space and freedom to weep and mourn in the midst of worship. We felt the only consolation that could bring any healing ... the love of our Father, the confirmation that He goes ahead of us and prepares the way, and the assurance that He sees us and cares for us in our brokenness.

Just a few nights ago, Tim and I went to see Chris Tomlin again. From the moment I bought the tickets, I thought of that first concert and how God ministered to us through it. I marveled at how time goes on and how life springs new even in the midst of loss.

In these past two years, God has continued to bring healing, to lavish His love, to provide for our needs, and to set us on a course of freedom and LIFE. We still grieve our loss and yearn to know the child we never met; yet, we know Psalm 139 is true. We know that God knows his (or her) name, and someday we will too. So, we can stand with hands raised in worship and sing with full confidence and utter joy ...

Blessed be Your name
When the sun's shining down on me
When the world's 'all as it should be
Blessed be Your name

Blessed be Your name
On the road marked with suffering
Though there's pain in the offering
Blessed be Your name

Every blessing You pour out
I'll turn back to praise
When the darkness closes in, Lord
Still I will say
Blessed be the name of the Lord

3 comments:

lodyp said...

Susan,

I had wondered about that pregnancy and for some reason didn't know you had lost it. I buried 3 boys that were 22 weeks gestation in 2003. I was the most painful thing I have ever been through. It makes the thought of Jesus coming back a little sweeter. I am so ready to go to see those boys and another m/c I had at week 15. (We didn't know the sex, but chances are, it was a boy too.)
I appreciate that CT song and how it ministers to you. We sing it at church. Another song that ministered to me was Trust His Heart by Babbie Mason....and the verse about "how we see through a glass darkly....b/c we only see partly, not wholly, as only He sees".....much love and tenderness to you right now.....Melody

Janna said...

I did not know the story of that tree. And I don't know who the women are who got together to give it to you either. What a sweet way to help you carry that burden. It's amazing to me that you could sing that song so soon; it took me a long time to get to that place. Grief is so important, and I'm glad you've had the space to mourn.

Rachel said...

I'm so thankful for women like you who set such a Godly example of what it means to worship in the midst of pain. I'm so sad for your loss, but I'm glad that God has been healing your heart and comforting you.